Three Years
by LooneyLovey
Summary: It doesn't take long to be damaged, a few words is all, but can one man help to put the pieces back together? In the process of updating/revising 07/07/12.
1. Obliviate

**This story centres around some heavy issues. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its characters or spell ect. Nor do I own 'Superwoman' Alicia Keys or 'Smile' by Nat King Cole.  
**

* * *

Severus Snape woke up in his bed with a smile on his face, it was a rare occurrence and he was sure as hell going to make the most of it. It was rare that a smile would make it way to his face these days; normally his lips were set into a scowl, frightening enough to scare off even some of the teachers. The reason for his smile was that in approximately seven hours and twenty two minutes the castle would be empty, the 'dunderheads' as he liked to call them, were going home for the holidays and he could not be happier. Three weeks of pure bliss, three weeks of no potions mishaps, and three weeks of no patrols.

But his happy mood was soon ruined when he realised that he had to go to visit all of his family of the festive period. He didn't mind seeing his family, but it was preferable in small doses, not all together.

He was pulled out of his thoughts by his alarm clock going off, he threw the blasted thing to the other side of the room with so much force that it hit the wall and bounced off, he had learned that trick a while ago when he had had to purchase his twenty-fifth muggle alarm clock from muggle London.

* * *

Hermione Granger awoke to the sound of her room mates banging on the bathroom door, the silencing spell she had cast last night had obviously worn off. Lavender always took too much time in the bathroom in the morning, but she wasn't bothered, it was better than being woken up by someone shouting at you down your ear.

* * *

He completed his normal morning routine and entered the Great Hall to find it nearly empty, Albus was, or course sitting up in the head chair, but the amount of student that sat on the house table equalled one, Hermione Granger.

She seemed withdrawn over the past few months, not that he cared for a student, but it was just that he couldn't read this students mind. He was shaken from his analysis of Hermione Granger when Albus asked him to pass the jam, he didn't thing of her again until potions that afternoon.

* * *

Twenty minutes late she was sat in the Great Hall eating a bit of toast, Harry and Ron greeted her with a small wave and went to sit next to their other half's, they didn't really have much time for her any more, they were always with their girlfriends and when the three of them did get together that was all they talked about, so she sat in deep thought eating her toast until the first class of the day. Charms.

She had made it through the day, going from class to class, and all that was left was potions, it was her favourite class, she loved brewing, it bewitched her mind, body and soul she could forget all of her problems and just 'be'.

* * *

The class filed into the classroom to find that there was no potions master waiting for them, they took their seats and pulled out their textbooks, but unbeknown to them their potions master was in the room waiting silently, in the darkest corner of the classroom. They started to chat amongst themselves when instructions for a potion appeared on the board, Hermione was the only one to notice and she got to work straight away, the others followed suite shortly after and that was when he moved from his corner, he made his way to the front of the classroom and swept his eyes over his class, the majority of the group that had taken it last year scraped enough marks to take it this year and Albus had somehow convinced him to allow Potter, Weasley and Longbottom into his class.

"As most of you may have noticed the potion up on the board, this potion is called the forget-me-not potion; can anyone tell me what it can do?"

He looked around the classroom to find no hands up, not even Miss Granger's, but somehow that didn't surprise him, she had avoided answering questions in all subjects, eventually Albus had told them not to ask her any, as when she was even asked the simplest of questions she froze up.

"Potter, can you tell me?"

"No sir."

"Pity, I for one have no idea how you even came to be in this classroom, do you?"

He didn't answer back, so he just carried on with his lecture.

"The forget-me-not potion is used when a person suspects that they have been oblitivated, now normally this potion wouldn't work but if the caster were to concentrate on a specific memory then the potion could recover the memory..."

* * *

As Professor Snape was lecturing, Hermione Granger had her mind on other things, she was trying to work out when Christmas break was, she was dreading it, and three weeks alone with her mother was her own personal hell.

Her hand hovered over the sharp silver knife she was about to pick up as she realised that today was the last day of term in fact Potions was the last class of the day. She could feel the tears build up behind her eyes and to her horror they flowed freely down her face, she felt claustrophobic as she became trapped in the memories of her summer holiday.

_Stupid bitch, no matter how many times I tell you, you can never get it right."_

**New Memory**

"_Sometimes I wonder why I ever had a kid, I thought they were supposed to help you, but they only hinder you..."_

* * *

He had finished his lecture and resumed prowling around the classroom when he noticed that Hermione Granger had stood in the same position for several minutes.

"Miss Granger"

The sixth year potions class looked up at the sound of their potions professor half of them hoping to see the resident know-it-all get told off and the other half were ready to attack him if he said anything wrong, but the students were shocked to find resident 'know-it-all' with tears streaming down her face.

"Miss Granger"

The voice that was calling her was that of one Severus Snape, he had also noticed in the past few weeks that the student in question had not seemed herself on many occasions. She had become jumpy and snapped at people who annoyed her. Many of the staff had also noticed the changes and many of them had tried to talk to her, and failed.

"Miss Granger?"

He voiced her name as a question in hopes of getting her to respond his tone was stern but held a warning, but she still seemed oblivious to everything, he dismissed the class, after telling them to clear up, with the hopes of getting her to respond, as the last few students ran out the class he noticed that her hands were shaking.

He knew what was happening he had seen the glazed look over many victims' eyes at the Dark Lords revels and could only imagine what had happened to her.

Her head snapped up and a crack could be heard resonating around the classroom. She didn't seem to notice the potions master wince at the sound and the surprise that flickered through his eyes at the dead look that they held. He held her gaze and slipped into her mind, he was shocked to find that actually enter her mind, he sussed that it was because she was so distraught in the first place.

"_Hermione Granger, you better have this ironing in the airing cupboard before I get back or there will be trouble, and you had better get your ass down here and clean the kitchen, I want it spotless by the time I get back."_

_Hermione mumbled a reply and went to get off the bed she was sitting on when the wrist she was leaning on gave out under her; she fell off the bed and landed on the floor in a crumpled heap._

"_WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT RACKET?"_

_Her mother's voice echoed throughout the entire house._

"_Nothing" _

_This time her reply was loud enough to be heard downstairs, that was the thing with her mother, she didn't expect a reply and she didn't ask for things to be done, it was more of a demand._

**New Memory**

"_HERMIOINE GRANGER!"_

_The girl who was holding over a piece of sheet music dropped the pieces of paper as soon as she heard her mother's voice and bolted out of her bedroom door, she tore down the stairs at an alarming pace and nearly tripped on a shoe that was left at the bottom of the stair, she caught herself in time and knocked her wrist on the banister._

"_Yes"_

"_Don't say 'Yes' in that ungrateful tone of yours, now, I asked for the ironing to be done and imaging my shock when I came home and saw the same amount of ironing in the same place it had been left, I thought that by the time I had come home you would have at least done a basket, but no, I come home to find nothing done."_

"_I did do something, I emptied the dishwasher and I filled it back up..."_

_The sentence was left hanging due to the fact that her mother came so close to her face she had to take a step back._

**New Memory**

"_You selfish girl, don't you know that I work all day just to send you to that school of yours, and to help pay for everything, don't you?"_

_She looked around Hermione's room and her face turned into an expression of disgust,_

"_I don't know why I put up with you; you obviously can't be bothered to do anything for me, so why should I do anything for you?"_

**New Memory**

"_You stupid ignorant cow!"_

_She raised her hand to slap Hermione, but lowered it millimetres form her face."_

**New Memory**

_Hermione was crying in her room, her mother had just called her a disappointment; she hadn't closed the curtains correctly._

"_I wish you had never been born!"_

Severus slipped out of the girls mind, only to find the girl staring up at him, her eyes didn't look dead any more, they seemed empty, which to him was worse than before.

"Miss Granger...I..."

He trailed off, not sure of what to say. Contrary to popular belief, he had a brilliant relationship with his parents, they had always supported him even when he joined the dark side, somehow they knew it wouldn't last, and they weren't surprised when they were proved right when their son became a spy for the light.

"Hermione...what..."

Words failed him, no student of his ever came to him with problems such as these, they came to him with trivial matters, such as school work and friendship problems, and because they were so distraught he could slip into their minds easily and check for anything that was bothering them. Technically it was illegal and it earned people a sentence in Azkaban, but ever since the chamber of secrets had been opened Albus overruled the Ministry and only he knew which students his Potions Master kept an eye on, if he found a problem then he reported it to Albus, who would spike a lemon drop or do with a calming draught and ask them questions about whatever he saw. Normally everything was resolved with no fuss, but this time he knew it wasn't going to be that easy. To some it seemed uncaring, but he found that he tended to get too attached to the damaged. A small voice startled him out of his thoughts.

"How could you!"

He had to strain to hear what she said and when he met her eyes, this time though, they weren't dead instead they shone with unspoken fury.

"Miss Granger..."

"NO"

She looked momentarily startled that she had shouted at the most feared professor in Hogwarts but, her face soon became blank once more. She seemed to wear that look a lot, he saw he entering and leaving his classroom like her face was a blank canvas, waiting for the right moment for someone to bring it to life.

"For _six_ years, I have trusted you, six years! I knew from the very first moment that I walked into the classroom in my first year that you were someone that I could look up to, but now..."

She trailed off, as her eyes became unfocused as she remembered more details of her past.

"...I thought you were different, I thought I could trust you more than Dumbledore at the very least, but no..."

Her eyes her eyes became unfocused again, but this time it wasn't with memories, this time the tears had returned.

"I. Trusted. You."

Three words that was all it took, three words for her to get under his skin. Three words that made his heart clench painfully in his chest. He was shocked at the feeling, but dismissed it as guilt.

"Hermione, I...I know what I have done is inexcusable but..."

He didn't get another word in as she cut him off.

"But what? Would you like to tell me how every time a student comes to you with a problem you sift through their memories like a gold digger sifts through the sand?"

His eyes flashed black, and Hermione instinctively took a step backwards, only to bump into the desk behind her, she cursed softly and rubbed her wrist. He took no notice of the action, the memories that he had seen of her forgotten by the anger that he now felt.

"Miss Granger, I suggest that you don't make accusation that you cannot back up. Dismissed."

She didn't need any more encouragement to get out of the potions classroom, she ran out of the classroom slamming the door closed behind her.

He couldn't believe it! How did she know? He made his way over to his desk and sat with his head in his hands, he sat for an hour trying to figure out how she knew. He started to think about her behaviour in class and cursed softly, the memories of why her mind was so easily accessible became prominent in his mind. He berated himself for his own foolishness, allowing her to change the topic so easily while at the same time distracting him from what he had seen like the wind which blew the leaves every autumn that he had seen when she was so distraught. Realization dawned upon him as he noticed the time; he had to talk to Albus before the evening meal.

He bolted to the door; and was shocked to find Hermione Granger walking in.

"I'm sorry professor..."

He didn't understand she looked determined, like someone who was on a mission.

"...Obliviate"

* * *

She ran. She ran until her legs were about to collapse underneath her but by then she had reached her destination, the Room of Requirement. She threw open the door and found what she was looking for, she came here often enough that she didn't have to pace three time for it to know what she wanted. In the middle of the room stood a grand piano, a small smile graced her face but then twisted itself into a frown as it all came rushing back, Professor Snape, her mother, she refused to cry again, not here and not now. She would be stronger than that; she wouldn't burst out into gut wrenching tears every time a painful memory resurfaced.

She glided over to the piano and sat down on the wooden bench provided for her. Her fingers danced gracefully over the keys as she played a few scaled to warm up, she then started to play the intro to a song that summed up her life, she took a deep breath and let the melody flow with ease out of her mouth. Superwoman by Alicia Keys. It described her perfectly.

She finished the last few bars of the song before starting up a new one, Smile by Nat King Cole.

After she finished the song she knew what she had to do, it would be risky, making sure it was the right memory, but it had to be done, he had seen too much.

* * *

She walked down to the potions classroom for the second time that day, and contemplated what to tell the rest of the potions class, the Slytherin's didn't matter, they could make up what they wanted to, but the Gryffindors, especially Harry and Ron would ask question, even though they weren't as close any more, something like this would get their attention. She pondered the thought for a while, making her way down the dungeons with her brain on automatic as she tried to come up with a plausible excuse, she settled on telling them it was her 'time of the month' she figured that it would have to do, she wasn't going to tell the boys the truth.

She came to a halt just outside the potions classroom door and summoned up all of her nerve to open the door she had slammed shut a little over an hour ago, concentrating on the memory that she would rather forget and walked in to find Professor Snape walking towards her, he didn't notice her until the words of an apology had left her mouth, he looked up, confused by what she had said in time to see her whisper on word , one word that would make a difference to both of their lives.

"...Obliviate"

He looked stunned for a moment and then she saw the potions master of Hogwarts resume his normal appearance.

"What are you doing here Miss Granger?"

He sneered down at her, she just took it in her stride, and brushed past him to pick up the bag she had left on the floor.

"Miss Granger, answer me at once"

She turned round and plastered a fake smile on her face.

"Getting my bag Professor..."

She managed to look confused when he asked the question and had left the sentence hanging to make it would seem like it was the most obvious thing in the world for her to waltz into his classroom.

"...I had forgotten it, I just passed you in the corridor and asked you if I could come and collect it and you said, and I quote 'wouldn't it be a shame if the know-it-all didn't have her books, I should say no then that would teach you but as I set your homework I suppose I will have to say yes.'"

He looked sceptic for a moment but then his face contorted into a scowl.

"Hurry up then girl, you're wasting my time, I have things to do."

As she looked up into his face, she noticed that behind the scowl the Potions Master looked lost, but she didn't blame him, he was properly wondering where an hour of his life had gone to. She took pity on him; after all it was her fault that he looked lost.

"Sir, it's time for dinner. Sir are you okay? You look a bit peaky?"

"Fine, I just lost track of time, now off to dinner with you."

His tone held no room for an argument.

As soon as she had left he slammed the door and made his way to his private chambers to figure out where the last hour had gone to.

* * *

Meanwhile, Hermione Granger went up to the Great Hall and ate dinner like she was a normal girl, not like someone who had just erased the last hour of a teacher's life.

She finished her meal and chatted amicably with the rest of the Gryffindors they didn't expect much more from her these days, after an hour in the Common Room she went up to the girls dormitories and went to bed. As soon as the rest of the girls in her door had fallen asleep she cast a silencing spell around her bed and wept, she wept for Snape and what she had done, she wept for her mother and her farther but most of all she wept for herself, three years it had been going on, three years she had hidden the scars that were deep in her heart and in three measly minutes a certain potions professor had revealed her deepest darkest secret.

Her dreams that night were filled with her mother's words of spite and the Headmaster handing her over to the Minister of Magic. That night she wasn't the only one whose sleep was filled ridicule , Severus Snape lay in the dungeons below tossing and turning in his sleep, he dreamt of his own childhood, but this time it was different, this time mother was shouting as him, tormenting him and as she raised her hand to hit him, he woke up.

"What the bloody hell was that about!"

* * *

_Please review and tell me what you think :) _


	2. Sleeping Cub

Just a small update on this story, I will try and post more regularly and I know I say that all the time, but this time I will try my upmost to post more frequently.

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER OR ANY OF ITS CHAPTERS OR SPELLS ECT.**

**Nor do I own any songs I have used **

* * *

She woke to find herself covered in sweat, it was still dark outside and an owl hooted in the distance her breathing was laboured as she felt her chest tightened. She dismantled the wards around her bed; she had taken to putting them up at night after her roommates woke her up one night by throwing cold water over her and made a quick exit out of Gryffindor. She padded up to the astronomy tower and muttered a quick 'alorahmora' the door and it swung open, she had taken to sitting and watching the stars, and found herself up her contemplating life and if it was worth living. She often found herself sitting on the ledge, seeing if she could take her own life, but then she started to think, about the people she was leaving behind, not that they would care much, she just didn't want to be a bother to them.

She warded the door behind her putting layers upon layers of wards, probably even strong enough to keep even the Dark Lord out, but she wasn't willing to test that theory just yet.

She normally found herself singing while she was on top of the tower it helped her to curb the urge she felt, the urge to cut or punch a wall, she knew what people would say if anyone found out, she would probably end up in the phsyc ward. She took a breath and sang while she looked at the constellations' in the night's sky.

**I hurt myself today**

**To see if I still feel**

**I focus on the pain**

**The only thing that's real**

**The needle tears a hole**

**The old familiar sting**

**Try to kill it all away**

**But I remember everything**

**What have I become?**

**My sweetest friend**

**Everyone I know**

**Goes away in the end**

**And you could have it all**

**My empire of dirt**

**I will let you down**

**I will make you hurt**

**I wear this crown of thorns**

**Upon my liar's chair**

**Full of broken thoughts**

**I cannot repair**

**Beneath the stains of time**

**The feelings disappear**

**You are someone else**

**I am still right here**

**What have I become?**

**My sweetest friend**

**Everyone I know**

**Goes away in the end**

**And you could have it all**

**My empire of dirt**

**I will let you down**

**I will make you hurt**

**If I could start again**

**A million miles away**

**I would keep myself**

**I would find a way**

As she ended the song she felt the emotional pain return, it crippled her past the point that she was able to breathe. She clutched her chest and slumped down until her knees touched the floor she brought her knees up to her chest and rocked backwards and forwards. The tears that were running down her face silently made a puddle on the floor, her breath started to come in short gasps and the world seemed to spin. The last thing that she remembered was a dark shadow behind her.

--------------------------------

Severus Snape had been awake for three hours before he decided that a walk up to the astronomy tower was in order, for the three hours he had been awake he had been trying to find out the meaning behind his dreams, he never normally had dreams, unless they were a nightmare and when he did dream it was normally his sub-conscious telling him something important, like not to allow Albus to get his way all the time, although he had been put in his place enough times by the old man. He reflected on last night's dream and tried to suss the meaning behind it. He had put the memories into a Pensieve to look at them in more detail.

_***New Memory***_

"_You selfish boy, don't you know that I work all day just to send you to that school of yours, and to help pay for everything, don't you?"_

_She looked around Severus's room and her face turned into an expression of disgust,_

"_I don't know why I put up with you; you obviously can't be bothered to do anything for me, so why should I do anything for you?"_

_***New Memory***_

_She raised her hand to slap Severus, but lowered it millimetres form his face."_

He looked down into his Pensieve to see the memories of his dream swirling around he couldn't fathom why he dreamt of his parents being abusive and racked his brains for a time in his childhood when his parents had been anything other than nice.

Things like dreams didn't normally bother him but for some reason it kept niggling at the back of his mind. He decided to take a walk up to the astronomy tower to clear his head, looking at the stars and constellation; Sirius, Bellatrix and Orion's Belt. He was nearing the tower when he felt strong magic warding it, ever since he was a servant of the Dark Lord he had learnt how to sense the level of magic present, it had saved his life a number of times over the past and now it was about to tell him something that would leave his puzzled.

He heard a voice sing the last few bars of a song that he had never heard before, and neared the door it took him at least five minutes to dismantle the wards and another two to open the door without it creaking. Who ever had put them up had not meant for anyone to enter, that was for sure, but he wasn't a spy for nothing.

He saw her fall to the floor and didn't make a move to stop the thud that he heard, for two reasons. Number one was that he couldn't chance her rousing from unconsciousness if he caught her. Number two was that he was paralysed; he saw the end of her panic attack. It was violent and she looked distraught. The only time he had seen something that even matched the violence of her panic attack was when the Dark Lord crucioed a woman to death she had a look in her eyes, and when he had been ordered to kill her, he had slipped into her mind, and he saw her mouthing 'thank you'. He never knew why she was brought before the Dark Lord, or why she said 'thank you' but seeing the Gryffindor-Know-It-All curled in a ball in the middle of the room, he knew why.

He saw the puddle next to her face and a memory flashed in front of his eyes.

"_HERMIOINE GRANGER!"_

_The girl who was holding over a piece of sheet music dropped the pieces of paper as soon as she heard her mother's voice and bolted out of her bedroom door, she tore down the stairs at an alarming pace and nearly tripped on a shoe that was left at the bottom of the stair, she caught herself in time and knocked her wrist on the banister._

"_Yes"_

"_Don't say 'Yes' in that ungrateful tone of yours, now, I asked for the ironing to be done and imaging my shock when I came home and saw the same amount of ironing in the same place it had been left, I thought that by the time I had come home you would have at least done a basket, but no, I come home to find nothing done."_

"_I did do something, I emptied the dishwasher and I filled it back up..."_

_The sentence was left hanging due to the fact that her mother came so close to her face she had to take a step back._

He didn't know where it had come from and it was gone as soon as it had played out, in fact he struggled to remember what he had just seen and why he was in the astronomy tower in the first place, he then saw Miss Granger and remembered why he had come up in the first place, his Pensieve.

He bent down to scoop the little Gryffindor into his arms when he noticed a patch of skin on her arms that was covered in scars, some of which had barley healed, her robe had moved up and he saw the damage. He nearly dropped her from the shock, but recovered just in time.

He brought her down to his chambers, cursing the fact that the leaving time for students had changed, and they were now to leave early tomorrow morning according to the announcement at Supper. It was an attempt to minimise the chance of The Dark Lord ambushing Hogwarts. Not even the teachers were aware of this, only Minerva and Albus knew, Minerva because Albus couldn't keep anything from her and Albus was the one to come up the 'ingenious' plan.

He gently lowered her onto his bed, being careful not to put any pressure on the self-inflicted cuts, and murmured a few spells, strong enough to heal the fresh cut that he could see on her arms.

He was struggling with an internal battle, tell Albus or not, by the Ministry's law, he had to tell Albus, but he knew that if he did, he would never see Miss Granger again; she would be carted off and kept in a padded cell all her life. He decided to wait until she was awake, perhaps he could talk some sense into the girl.

A glass of Brandy was the next thing on his agenda, truthfully it was the first thing he would have done, if he had not discovered the girl, it was a ritual for him to get drunk once the students had left on any holiday.

He re-entered his bedroom, pacing around his bed glancing at the sleeping cub in his bed. It wasn't often that he felt a need to help a person, but this was different, he could feel a pull, it felt like he was bound to help her, like a compulsion.

She stirred gently on the bed and her eyelashes fluttered open. She was met with the Potions Master cold hard stare.

"Miss Granger, I want some answers."

* * *

**Sorry for the small chapter, but please review, I'll send you a cookie :P**


	3. Memories

**Surprise surprise! We have a new chapter. I cannot tell you how long it took me to write and edit this I'm embarrassed to admit it even to myself!. Coming up with a new third chapter wasn't an easy task as I had already started one but then my comp didn't like me. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter (but it's on my Christmas list!) or any of its characters or spell ect.**

**On with the show....**

* * *

_She stirred gently on the bed and her eyelashes fluttered open. She was met with the Potions Master cold hard stare._

_"Miss Granger, I want some answers."_

She sat up in his bed and looked up at him in surprise.

"Answers, why do you want answers?"

Severus stared at the young girl in front of him, was she mad or something. His anger from the the past few hours was about to reach boiling point and it was unfortunate that it was Miss Granger who would be on the receiving end of his wrath.

"Miss Granger," he noticed her visibly flinch at the sound of his voice, "I found you up in the Astronomy tower which may I add, was warded so well that it took me five minutes to dismantle them and then imagine my shock when I found the Gryffindor Princess curled up in a ball crying." As soon as he had finished yelling at her he noticed her expression. He saw a lone tear make its way down her face and his heart made an uncomfortable flip in his chest.

"Miss Granger?"

He wasn't angry at her, no not at all. He was angry at himself, angry at all the staff for not picking up the signs and acting on them but most of all he was angry at her mother. Miss Granger just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

She twisted her body away from him and he saw her shoulders shaking slightly but no sound escaped her lips. He was at a loss as to what to do, it wasn't everyday that a teenage girl sat on his couch crying.

He heard her muttering under her breath;

"Stupid Granger, showing weakness, stupid girl shouldn't cry in front of teachers and knowing him he would probably use it against you. Get a grip girl."

If he hadn't been a spy for Dumbledore he probably wouldn't have heard it, but years of spying had sharpened his skills, hearing the things no one else could hear unless they used charm was one of those skills. One that came in handy at times like this.

"Miss Granger," she flinched at the sound of his voice, he looked at the back of the girl that sat in front of him, "nobody thinks that you are stupid, far from it if I may be honest."

She still didn't turn around. He was running out of ideas, he didn't deal with teenage girls with problems and if he did he sent them to bed with a Dreamless Sleep potion and told them to sleep on whatever was troubling them and then to go and see Madame Pomfrey, Dumbledore or a prefect.

"I...apologise for what I said to you, my anger was misdirected and you just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time."

While Severus was trying to apologise Hermione was trying to come up with a plan. She needed to know how much he knew, how much he remembered as it was obvious by now that the spell that she cast on him was not strong enough.

"I take it by now that you know what I did," she twisted her body back around so she was facing him but kept her head down, "and you know why I did what I did."

"Yes. Surly you must have known that the Oblitivate spell doesn't work if the person has training in the fields of Occlumency and is a Legilimens, I know that there are books in the library on Legilimency and Occlumency as I left them there for you to pick up for Potter to read or at least glance at."

"I must have forgotten that little fact, if you recall at the time I was quite distraught."

The fact that he had tried to help Potter never even crossed her mind.

He visibly flinched, the more he talked to her the more that he remembered of what he saw and what she was so desperately trying to keep a secret.

"But the real question is, how much do you remember?"

How much did he remember? All of it was the answer to the question, but he had to get her to open up somewhat. It wasn't healthy for her to bottle it all in.

"A few details," he answered vaguely. She lifted her head to meet his gaze.

"That's all?" he nodded. "Good. Tell me what you did see."

He snapped back into full teacher mode and she shrank before his eyes.

"Miss Granger, I do **not **appreciate being told what to do."

She looked like a lost child again and he instantly regretted snapping at her when her request was reasonable considering the circumstances. He could see her hands had made a fist and was quite prepared to have one of them connect with his jaw when she got out of his bed and then proceeded to pace and yell at him.

"Hermione..."

"All I asked you was what you saw, they were _my_ memories, not yours. You had no right rifling through my mind. They were my memories..." She trailed off her breath came in short, sharp gasps. A sob formed deep in her chest and she sank to her knees in an effort to prevent herself from crying. But it was took late, she sobbed so violently that her whole body shook and as she sank to her knees her arms came around her stomach to provide comfort that had never been given to her. She started to rock backwards and forwards trying to ward off the memories of her past but it was no use, she was drowning in her own pain.

"They were my memories" she whispered.

He sat on the edge his bed as sense of despair and helplessness washed overwhelmed him. There was no way that he could approach her and give her any sort of comfort as it would be deemed inappropriate if word ever got out. Not that anything said in his rooms would get out, but it always paid to be vigilant as if his Occlumency did slip then consoling the girl verbally was a lot easier to explain than the Dark Lord seeing him giving her a hug.

But he couldn't lie to her, he couldn't tell her that everything was going to get magically better or that it wouldn't get any worse, she would see straight through that. Lying to a Gryffindor was fairly easy, lying to a Gryffindor that had been hurt by her parents and who had then gone on to pretend that everything was all right was considerably a lot more difficult.

The only way that he could help her at the moment was distracting her from her past and getting her to concentrate on the present. He knew he wanted her to open up but he could see now that perhaps it wasn't the best time for her after what had gone on today. He thought back to an article he had read this morning and smirked. A debate about potions would work quite well.

"I saw an article in Potions Monthly that argued the use of the type of cauldron used when making Wolfsbane, what do you think Hermione?"

She got up off the floor and turned around to face him with a small smile gracing her features. She knew what he was doing and she was perfectly happy to let him distract her as it was nice to have an intellectual conversation for once. They both made themselves comfortable on his bed and argued the use of the size, colour and properties of cauldrons for over an hour when there was a knock at his door, the soft smile that had graced his features had now vanished completely and his eyes were once again as dark as the robes that he wore. He ordered her into the bathroom which was across from his room and went to answer the door. Before he opened the door he set up a few basic wards to make sure that Hermione could not be seen or heard, no matter what she did. He opened the door and the sight that greeted him made his blood boil and his wand hand twitch.

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I really need you to tell me what you think of this chap as the original idea that I did have was lost, so feedback is much appreciated.

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	4. Forbidden Temptation

**Prue'****, I got your review and immediately started writing. Thank you :)**

**I'm sorry for my longish absence from writing to anyone who reads my stuff, which I suppose would include you all, life has a way of catching you unaware of your own vulnerability sometimes. But I'm back and I will be updating the vast majority of my stories so please drop me a review to tell me what you think. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its characters or spell ect. **

**Warning: Some heavy stuff in this chapter, mainly self-harm and verbal abuse. Please, please, please don't read if you think it may be a trigger. **

**Also, last note, everything in flash back is a memory though you may get confused as there is a memory in the memory. I hope that makes sense!  
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Had she done something wrong, that was the first thought that crossed her mind when he had essentially locked her in the bathroom, he had really locked her in his room but there was a connecting door between his room and the bathroom and she needed a change of scenery. The second thought to cross her mind was just how comfortable she had been with him and to her that was unacceptable. She could not afford to become comfortable with anyone, especially not him. If her secret ever got out she would be doomed, in every sense of the word. Her secret was, ironically, the one thing that kept her alive.

She could picture the headlines now; 'Is one third of the Golden Trio insane?' Though, she mused, they would be right. She was insane, better yet she was living with insanity. Every single day of her messed up life she classed as insanity. How could it not be? She felt love and protectiveness for the one person that constantly caused her pain, she could never work it out and she was supposed to be clever.

By now she had taken to pacing the bathroom floor only to stop suddenly when she thought she heard something, though he had taken care of that. The last thing that she had heard when he had locked her in here were the words to a pretty complex silencing charm, so she knew it was stupid to stop suddenly and strain her ears for even the slightest sound.

She wished she knew who was out there, that would give her something to think about, something other than grabbing the razor that sat on the porcelain sink taunting her. Logically she knew that a razor couldn't taunt somebody- it wasn't as if it was sitting up and waving at her- but she also knew that she hadn't cut since yesterday and the burning need to feel the blade on her skin consumed her every thought.

"I can't, I mustn't." she said, as though saying the words out loud would stop her mind from wanting something that was forbidden.

Her addiction, as she liked to call it, had started just under two years ago now. It was one of those rare times when she had ran away from the house, unable to stand the shouting any more.

_Hermione ran as though her life depended on it, and in reality it did. If she stopped running she was scared that the pain would overwhelm her and she would break. She had come close to breaking before but she had always managed to stop herself before her thoughts became a reality. It was important that she didn't break; she was one third of the 'Golden Trio' for flips sake. If she did Harry would too; he relied on her too much. Everyone relied on her too much to be the sensible, level headed Hermione that they all knew so she had to become numb. The only way she wouldn't break was if she couldn't feel. It had taken a while to perfect the feeling -if you could do such a thing- though she did still slip up occasionally when the shouting was too much, but she had managed to do it. She had become numb from the pain of her life. _

_She could feel something wet on her skin and only then did she stop, her heart felt as __though it would burst out of her chest if she didn't. It was rain. She laughed, she laughed until she thought her sides would split. She loved the rain, she love the purity of it and how it made everything seem beautiful. By the time she had calmed down she was soaked through, though she didn't care, it was raining and that was the only thing that mattered. _

_Since spending the majority of her time in the magical world there was one thing that Hermione missed more than anything. She missed being able to pop a DVD into the DVD player and forgetting who she was. It seemed silly but she missed escaping to a world of magic and mystery, where it really was okay to forget to hoover the floor because you were soo engrossed with a good book and not get told your self-centred. In one of the movies she had seen there had been a woman who, when it had started raining, had flung her arms out to the sides and started to spin in a circle. At the time Hermione thought the women was a little bit mad but now she could understand it. So she did the same thing, she flung her arms out and started to spin in a circle. After a few minutes of forgetting herself she noticed what she held in her hand. A knife. It was then that she remember the argument that had just happened and that happy feeling was replaced with a feeling of numbness. _

_***Earlier that day***_

"_Hermione get your ass in here now," her mother had yelled, as if expecting her daughter to materialise in front of her as soon as the words left her mouth. "Hermione, I said now!" _

"_Coming mother," was the reply she gave from the kitchen, she had been chopping the carrots ready for her mothers tea and didn't notice the knife that she had yet to let go of. _

"_Took you long enough didn't it. When I tell you to get your ass in here now, I mean now!" Hermione knew from past experiences that it would only be worse if she answered back so she had lowered her head and tried to find the numbness that came so easily to her now. _

"_What did I ask you to do today? Humm, let me tell you what I asked you to do today as you have obviously forgotten. I asked you to clean the bathroom, empty and fill the airing cupboard, empty and fill the dishwasher, hoover the whole house, dust and polish everywhere, tidy the kitchen and cook my tea. Can you tell me which of those you forgot to do?" _

_At that point the panic she would normally feel at her mothers questions nearly broke through her numbness but she quickly squashed it, putting it into a little box in her mind. It would do her no good to panic. She had to think rationally. What had she forgotten? Though she wouldn't have to wait long, her mother would surely tell her. _

"_No? You forgot to dust and polish. I asked you to do a few measly things around the house to help me out but no, you think your too good to do them, little miss perfect aren't we? I work all day and all you have to do is what I ask you to do. Nothing more," at this Hermione had snorted, though thankfully her mother had not herd it, "and what do I normally get in return? Your fucking attitude problem. I don't know what I did to deserve it, you it certainly isn't warranted. Look at me when I am talking to you girl." _

_At this point Hermione knew that it was only going to get worse. _

"_I have never known anyone as selfish and self-centred as you. You seem to think the world revolved around you, that your too good to do something as degrading as cleaning, well I have news for you girl. Buck it up. Life is going to get a lot harder and if you don't sort out your shitty attitude you wont get anywhere fast. Hell, you may not even get anywhere. Who would want a girl with an attitude problem, ask yourself that girl, who? Because it would be no-one I know." _

_She went on to rant about how Hermione never did anything round the house threw even __more names into the mix; 'selfish cow', 'stupid bitch' before Hermione had managed to tune her out. _

_It was then that she had remember the front door was unlocked and when she had seen her mother turn her back on her she ran, she ran as fast as her legs could take her and never looked back. _

_***Present day, but still in the memory***_

_Hermione looked down at the knife that she held in her frozen hand. What would happen if she drew it across her skin, she wondered, would anyone notice? As soon as the last thought had crossed her mind she scoffed. The only people who may actually care were miles away from her, she had no-one to stop her. What could she loose. _

_She pressed the tip of the blade into her skin and drew it back a little and watched in fascination as a small amount of blood welled up where she had made the cut. She had felt something, something other than the numbness that she had worked so hard to achieve. She had felt pain. Hermione smiled at this, this was why she was insane, she was smiling because she had the ability to cause herself physical pain. That was why it was different, to her physical pain was soo much better than the emotional pain that she encountered every day. And the best thing was, she could control just how bad the pain got and when the pain hit, something that she could never do with her mother. _

_That was the first of many days that her blade became her new best friend. _

While she had been remembering the first blood she drew, somehow she had managed to edge herself closer to her temptation. All she had to do was reach out in front of her and she would feel the release that her soul craved to be still.

The numbness that normally surrounded her had been missing since Potions yesterday and she wanted it back. She liked the numbness now, it kept her sane. It let her do her job, it let her keep Harry alive and she couldn't afford to feel. She had to not feel but first she wanted to cut.

Any other day she would have picked up the blade and sliced her butter soft skin by now but today was different, today her teacher had found her on the Astronomy tower.

"When has the threat of someone finding out ever stopped me?" she asked herself, knowing the answer, "it never has, not even when Yasmin found out has it ever stopped me."

Yasmin was her childhood friend, they shared everything with each other, they told each other any problems they had and Hermione had told her everything; her mother, feeling numb and even to some extent the school that she went to. She had told Yasmin everything, everything that was except this. This was one thing she did not have tell as Yasmin had walked in on her one day while she had been cleaning the fresh cuts on the back of her thigh. She had seen the blade that lay beside her and put tow and two together and cried for her friend. All Hermione had said was 'I can't stop' but Yasmin didn't even need to hear the words; she knew already. She knew that her friend would not stop so she just made sure that everything was sterile and clean. She cleaned her blades for her and held her as she cried for not being strong enough to stop. Yasmin had always helped her so much and she understood that in the muggle world Hermione had no-one, she could turn to no one as it would cause too much suspicion. Though she had tried looking for it, Hermione had never heard of anything happening like this in the magical world but she knew that if someone wanted something to be kept a secret it could be and that maybe witches and wizards did the same thing too but were kept in a padded cell in St. Mungo's.

Her hand seemed to have a mind of it's own as it reached out and grasped the unfeeling piece of steel, she stared at it, getting lost in the memory of a conversation she had once had with Yasmin.

"_Hermione, promise me something," they were sitting, side by side on Hermione's bed after cleaning the cuts on her arm and Yasmin grasped her hand, not noticing her wince at the contact. "Promise me you wont ever cut too deep, deep enough to cause permanent damage, "at the look of hesitancy on Hermione's face she added, "please Hermione, for me. I don't like seeing you go through this but I'm here to help you, just promise me you wont cut too deep."_

_Hermione turned to look at her, "I promise."_

She was about to break her promise in the worst way imaginable.

"Lucius," he growled, pushing the man in question against the wall by his robes, his wand digging into his neck "what are you doing here?"

The man in front of him just chuckled and flicked his golden hair back with a slight twitch of his shoulder, making sure that his hair remained out of the confrontation. Always the aristocrat Severus thought, even when trapped.

"Now that's no way to greet an old friend is it Severus?"

"Friend," he spat, angry that the hour he had just spent calming the girl down had now be wasted as he saw the fear and pain in her eyes before he shut the door on her. "A friend would know when to pop by and when to stay the hell away Lucius."

"Severus, I must be your best friend if I don't care for either option."

Although he didn't want to, he smiled. Trust the man to get under his skin with a few words. He lessened his grip on the robes and lowered his wand.

"Lucius, though I admit my reaction was uncalled for it still doesn't explain why your still here if you can see I am busy." he had to get him out of here before he returned to Hermione. Severus knew for a fact that seeing the ex-death eater would not go down well with her at all. Lucius just smiled at him, the all knowing smile that the Headmaster always used, the smile that always infuriated him.

"I am here Severus because you are going to need my help," Severus simply stared at him, "with the little Gryffindor you are hiding in your bathroom."

Before Lucius could blink he was pulled inside, the door slamming shut behind him. Severus stared at him warily.

"I don't know what you're talking about Lucius."

"If you don't know what I'm talking about old friend then why the violent reaction?"

Severus knew he was beaten when Lucius smirked triumphantly. He knew that it was pointless arguing with him so he conceded.

"Shit Lucius, what do you want? I'm a little busy as you apparently know."

The smirk vanished from his face and for the first time ever he saw pain flash in the man's eyes who sat opposite him.

"I want to help Severus," he held up his hand, "before you say anything hear me out. Don't ask me how or don't ask me why how but I know that I need to help that girl you have hiding in your bathroom, and I am currently the only one who knows how, well the only one that talks to you who knows how."

"Just how are you able to help her Lucius, you don't even know what's going on."

The pain was back, but this time it was constant and Severus knew then that whatever was going on was more than the Gryffindor in the bathroom, much more.

"But I do Severus, unfortunately I do."

Severus liked to think himself a clever man, so he knew that it would not be a wise decision if he pressed the issue further.

They both sat in silence for a few minutes, both wondering what the other was thinking when Lucius jerked his head up suddenly.

"You left her in your bathroom?" he asked though he already knew the answer, when he saw the confusion on Severus' face he elaborated, "you left a known cutter in the bathroom where you keep sharp objects."

"Shit"

The two normally composed men scrambled to the door that Severus had heavily warded less than an hour ago, frantically waving their wands to disable the wards around the door. It took them less than a minute to dismantle the wards but they both knew a lot of damage could be done then less than a minute. They pushed open the door only to hear the metallic ring of metal hitting the floor, the smell of rusty copper permeated the air and what they saw made both their stomach's clench uncomfortably.

Hermione.

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**And that's all for today folks.**

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